I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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