I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
