I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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