Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
