he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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