I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
