her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize