just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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