i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
