Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you had me at cake vodka
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
