I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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