He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
