She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
