I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
