He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
