So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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