Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
