Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
