i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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