God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
