why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
