I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
