soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Mom said you looked used
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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