Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
