Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
