If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
