Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
