She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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