I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize