literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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