Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
