There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
