Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize