Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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