were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
