At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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