I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
