If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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