Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
