I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
