Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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