I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
