dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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