Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
