your parents love me but you hate me
I am spending my child support on dildos
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
