I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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