i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
