So drunk its hurt
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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