you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
