I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
