Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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