After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
