I wish I could teleport
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
