There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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