dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
