rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
