Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
