Plan B is the new Plan A
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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