where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
