I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
