I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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