I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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